Ghajini Abridged

Here it is, folks! Sorry it took so long, but these things unfortunately take time. I'm just hoping that you all still remember this movie well enough to still find this funny.

Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own any of these characters and what not, it's all owned by Studio 18 and Adlabs, and created by AR Murugadoss.

Also, as with all my scripts, this is not meant to be a negative criticism of the movie, it's just purely for fun. So, if you're a die-hard Ghajini/Aamir fan, just keep that in mind-- I'm not trying to trash your favorite movie, I'm just providing a more humorous perspective. 

Ghajini: Abridged

 

 Scene- a hospital room

Doctor: Attention, final-year medical students! Apparently I need to explain how the human brain is such a necessary organ.

Students: ...until you decide to watch Ghajini, that is!

Sunita: Wow! This case about anterograde amnesia sounds really really awesome! I'll bet nobody's ever done something like this before!

Doctor: No! You can't do that one!

Sunita: Why not?

Doctor: Because...um, an American med student handled a similar case, so you could get sued for plagiarism.

Sunita: I'm not worried about that at all! I'm sure as long as I make it just different enough, no Indians will care!

Doctor: No! Getting involved in this case will be extremely dangerous!

Sunita: Your cryptic warnings can't dissuade me, doc! At least tell us why!

Doctor: Alright, fine. So, this here is Sanjay Singhania. He got hit on the head and lost his ability to form new memories.

Students: Isn't it weird that none of us have heard of him before? You'd think that "World Renowned Corporate Big-shot Loses Memory" would make some headlines.

Doctor: And nobody ever figured out what exactly happened that made him loose his memory. The police clearly never found it important enough to investigate a debilitating assault on a multi-billionaire.

Sunita: Wow! I instantly like this man for reasons I can't explain! I wonder what he's doing now?

Scene- some gunda's apartment

Sanjay: I'm kicking the crap out of some random gunda. That's pretty much what you all paid to see, isn't it?

Gunda #1: Aaaaahhh!!! Please don't brutally kill me! *is brutally killed*

Sanjay: That was surprisingly easy! It's a good thing my handy-dandy camera beeps every time I'm about to forget something. Now I know to take a picture of this random gunda before I search the contacts on his phone and scour his apartment looking for any random junk the name "Ghajini" written on it.

Sanjay: Sweet! An invitation to some sort of med-school's private strip club cultural show. I'm sure that this is the same Ghajini who's name my lover said, as there can only be one person by this name in the entire city of Mumbai.

Sanjay leaves, the police enter

Police: Look! A brutally murdered gunda!

Ghajini: What?? How could anyone want to murder...what was this one's name?

Gunda #2: Does that really matter?

Ghajini: Hmm...good point. Regardless, I'm still pretty unhappy that my worthless peons are being killed off.

Inspector: Don't worry! I've found a bus ticket that must have been left by the murderer. I'll find the guy who killed your gunda, even if it kills me!

Sanjay, in the mean time, has returned to his apartment, which is full of post-it notes to remind him where to keep his stuff, an idea he likely borrowed from the film "Get Smart". He puts away all his stuff, and goes to sleep.

the next day:

Sanjay: I feel sooo disoriented. Well, I'd better go brush my teeth...hey, I've written a note here to remind me to show off my new hot body!

Aamir's Fangirls: *squeal*

SRK's fangirls: OMG you copy cat!!

Sanjay: AUGH! I'm covered in tattoos reminding me about my crazy revenge scheme! * screams like a banshee for several minutes*

Me: Um...so does he do this every morning?

We now get a fanservice montage, complete with even more screaming. Then we cut to the inspector

Inspector: Hey, bus conductor! Who bought this ticket?

Conductor: Oh, you never forget a guy like the one who bought that ticket. He was kind of short, and had a buzz-cut and scar on his head, and seemed kind of aloof.

Inspector: You have to help me find him.  A gangster's dead lackey depends on it!

Conductor: There he goes! He's on that bus over there!

Inspector: It's a good thing us Mumbai cops can run as fast as Superman!

Sanjay: Except that I can disappear as fast as Batman!  And from a moving bus, too.

scene-- at the hospital

Sunita: Hey! It's that amnesia patient who I'm not allowed to research!

Sunita: Hi!!! I really like you despite the fact that you look like a psycho! Let's be friends!

Sanjay: O....kay?

Sunita: Your whole short-term memory loss problem is just so intriguing! Tell me, do people ever compare you to Dory?

Sanjay: ….

Sunita: You know? Dory! The fish!

Sanjay:…

Sunita: Hmm....no, I guess not. I'd better write this down.

Sanjay: What?? You're not writing down anything! Tear up that paper NOW!

Sunita: Your total lack of trust is perfectly fine with me!

Camera: *beepbeepbeep*

Sanjay: Oh, that's just my camera that beeps so that the audience knows my memory is about to erase itself.

Sunita: Wow! Hey, we've talked for like, 4 whole minutes! Can we be BFFs now?

Sanjay: …

Sunita: Oh, c'mon, please? I'm really a great person who's soooo interested in your amnesia case! Pleasepleaseplease take two pictures of me and label them "My friend!" Then I can keep one, and you can keep one, and then I can always remind you that we're BFFLs!

Sanjay: Fine, if it will shut you up...*takes pictures*

Sunita: Hooray! I'm going to carry this with me forever and ever, and every time I see you, I'll-- hey, where did you go?

Scene--

Sanjay's apartment, where our hero is working at his desk

Inspector: Going into a known serial killer's apartment without any back-up at all is a great idea!

Sanjay: *typing at his desk* Dear fans, I know you all probably want another wonderful story about disabled children, but you'll have to take this brainless masala instead, because...

Inspector: At police academy, we were always taught to catch murderers  by knocking them out with something, then tying them up.

Sanjay: *Unconscious*

Inspector: And now, instead of immediately calling for help and bringing the guy to jail, I think I'll go looking around his apartment. Hey! A diary-- what a convenient way for us to get some back-story!

Narrator Sanjay: My name is Sanjay Singhania. I'm so friggin' rich that even my servants have luxury sedans, because I require a caravan of expensive cars to travel everywhere. Anyway, let's just cut to the first song already...

Song- Aye Bacchu!

Kalpana: This song really has no point, except perhaps to show you my dreams of becoming rich and famous...and to get AR Rahman fans into this theater.

Kalpana:  Back to reality…where I'm really just a typical, crazy and overly-talkative  heroine who's attempting to make it as an actress…

Sanjay: Can we get back to me and more of my important business stuff now?

Air Voice worker: Sure we can! So, this house here just happens to be in the way of our new phone tower.

Sanjay: Ok, so find out who lives there and tell them that providing more bars in more places matters more than their own home.

Worker: Alright. It appears that the house belongs to someone named Kalpana.

Audience:  Wow, who didn't see that coming?

Worker: I'm sure that it will be totally appropriate to show up at her place of employment and bug her about this.

The next day, at Kalpana's Ad studio

Air Voice workers: Hello, we're here to talk to Kalpana-ji.

Kalpana's Boss: Haha, anyone who calls Kalpana "ji" is clearly insane. Get out of my studio.

Air Voice guys: But we are rich businessmen from Air Voice!

Kalpana's Boss: Rich?? Oh, then you guys are totally welcome. You're actually my favorite cell phone company. Did you guys want my little Ad company to make a commercial?? Did I mention I love cell phones?

Air Voice guys: Please…just let us talk to Kalpana.

Kalpana's boss: OMG! Some of Sanjay Singhania's men want to talk to Kalpana? He must be in love with her!

Air Voice guys: *leaving Kalpana's room* Well fine! We don't need you anyway!

Boss: OMG! Kalpana, you should totally have said "yes!" C'mon, we'd all kill to have a rich boyfriend!

Kalpana: Um…what??

Actresses: Oh, don't try to hide it! We all know that a rich business man would leave it up to his employees to win a girl's heart for him.

Kalpana: No, wait, he didn't---

Boss: Did I mention that we give better roles to models with connections, regardless of their acting or modeling talent?

Kalpana: Well in that case! I'm not only Sanjay Singhania's girlfriend, but I'm also Bill Gates' long lost cousin!

Scene--

A few days later…

Journalist: Hi, I'm doing research for an article on how hard it is to make it in the Indian Film Industry. Can I interview you?

Kalpana: Sure! Hey, did you know that Sanjay Singhania is madly in love with me??

Journalist: A love story about a rich guy and a poor girl?? That will sell  soooo much better than a story about making it as a film star!

Scene

Sanjay's office, where he's just heard the news…

Sanjay: Could I possibly be less amused right now?

Employees: What should we do?? We could pay to have her arrested!

Sanjay: No, I think instead I'll march right down to her studio and give her a piece of my mind!

As Sanjay drives to Kalpana's office

Sad disabled children: Oh no! Our field trip is ruined because this museum doesn't have a walkway for handicapped children!

Kalpana: Don't worry! I haven't done my spontaneous act of kindness for the day! I'll swing you across this grated pathway on the gate!

Sanjay: Wow! I've never seen someone so charitable in my life before! I'm so attracted to this mysterious woman!

Kalpana: Bye, kids! I have to get back to work, where I'm apparently the person who gives other people modeling jobs now.

Sanjay: Hi, I'm here to yell at the chick who's screwed up my image.

Kalpana: Hi! Those are some nice designer clothes that you're wearing. You must be here for a modeling job! Hmm…I think you have to be over 5 feet tall for this, don't you?

Sanjay: Oh my God! It's the charitable hot chick from before! How did I not see this coming?

Kalpana: Hey, don't you want to hear about how Sanjay Singhania is madly in love with me?

Sanjay: Um…well….I *is lost for words*

Me: Hmm…maybe he should hire his employees to talk to girls for him…

Kalpana: Well, I'm not really going to give you a choice! Me and Sanjay met on a flight to Delhi. This is extremely plausible, because business tycoon's always fly economy class.

Sanjay: I can't help but find you endearing. Maybe I won't yell at you after all.

Kalpana: So, anyway, I can totally get you a modeling job. You said your name was Sachin, right?

Sanjay:  Yes. Sachin. Of course that's my name.

Kalpana: Well, Sachin, I'm really busy doing…whatever it is that rich people's lovers do. I'll give you a call when I find you a job, ok?

Scene

Back at Sanjay's office, where he's doing an interview or something

Sanjay: So, yes, that's correct, I AM really rich. And I went to Harvard, the only University in the US that Indians seem to know about, and became a businessman or something, and blah blah blah, this is just me showing off what a rich genius I am.

Employee: Sir, a phone call for you!

Sanjay: Hello? Who's interrupting me during an important interview?

Kalpana: Hi, Sachin! I got you a role! Come meet me ASAP!

Sanjay: This is a great reason for me to leave work in the middle of the day….

Scene

A street in Mumbai, where Sanjay is to meet Kalpana

Sanjay: I'm so rich that I've never ridden in a rickshaw before. Watch as I make a fool of myself!

Kalpana:  Sachin! There you are, I--Wait, I have to do my spontaneous act of kindness for the day.

Blind man: Someone, please help me cross the street!

Kalpana: No problem, uncle!

Sanjay: *swoons*

Kalpana: Anyway,  I got you a role in an underwear commercial!

Sanjay: That really seems like more of an Akshay Kumar kind of thing, doesn't it?

Kalpana: Well, that really can be said about this whole movie. C'mon!

Song: Bekha, which for reasons I don't understand is picturized on several clones of Sanjay in really random outfits

Me: Wait…so is this supposed to be your fake career as a model? I hope they paid you well for making you wear all those skin-tight pink and purple shirts…

Sanjay: Actually, I'm really not sure if it's supposed to be my modeling career, or just a bizarre, trippy dream sequence. Anyway, it's also got scenes of me hanging out with Kalpana--that's the important part.

Kalpana: Yeah! Isn't it odd that even though we've hung out so much, I haven't bothered to find out anything about you at all?

Scene

Back at Kalpana's Ad studio, where she's talking with her boss

Boss: So, guess who's our guest of honor at our company New Year's Party?

Kalpana: Hmmm….I have absolutely no idea!

Boss: Sanjay Singhania, of course!

Kalpana: WHAT?!? You can't just decide that without even asking him!

Boss: Yeah, but you're his girlfriend, you definitely can! By the way, I already printed his name on all the invitations, and a surprisingly large amount of people are invited, so you'd better make sure he says yes.

Scene

Kalpana: It sure is a good thing that nobody in India seems to know what Sanjay Singhania looks like. I can just hire some wanna-be actor, and nobody will ever figure it out!

Sampat: Hi! I'm Sanjay Singhania! Is that how rich people talk?

Kalpana: That's perfect! I'm sure that everyone will be convinced!

Sanjay: Hi, Kalpana! Are you ready for our date?

Kalpana: Sachin! Guess what? My boyfriend Sanjay is here!

Sanjay: Boyfriend? Wait…so you've been going on dates with me this whole time and still expect me to believe Sanjay is your boyfriend?

Kalpana: Of course he is! And look, he's right here.

Sampat: Hello, I am Sanjay Singhania. Ignore the shabby looking clothes, please.

Sanjay: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Seriously??? Him???

Kalpana: What? Don't tell me you actually know what Sanjay Singhania looks like?

Sanjay: Yeah, he looks a bit like that one guy from Dil Chahta Hai, except a bit older and a lot more ripped.

Kalpana: OMG! YOU look kind of like that! I need you to come to the party and pretend to be Sanjay! Please???

Sanjay: Clearly I have nothing more important to do on my New Year's Eve, so yes, I'll definitely come!

Scene

At the New Year's Party

Kalpana: Where is he? Business tycoons are never late to parties-- are they?

Sampat: I still think I could have played this role much more convincingly than Sachin…

Just then, a limo pulls up-- "Sachin" steps out, and the crowd cheers

Kalpana: What? There's no way that a struggling model can afford a limo.

Sanjay: Hi, everyone! I'm Sanjay Singhania!

Crowd: Oh my God! It's him! It's really Sanjay-- look, he has a luxury car, designer clothes, and everything!

Kalpana: Haha, these people are all so dense!

Me: * eyeroll *

Charity Owners: Hi, Sanjay. Can you please donate money to our charity?

Kalpana: Don't be silly, who carries a checkbook with him to parties?

Sanjay: As I learned from Batman Begins, millionaire playboys should carry their checkbooks with them in case they need to buy hotels….not that I've seen too many Chris Nolan movies, of course.

Kalpana: Hmm…that check clearly says "Sanjay Singhania" on it…how suspicious. Oh, he probably just forged them.

Me: * facepalm *

Scene

On a bus, back from the New Year's Party

Kalpana: Hahahaha, I can't believe how dumb everyone at that party except me was!

Sanjay: I can't believe I find your stupidity so attractive.

Kalpana: I really don't know how you managed to get a luxury car, designer clothes, and a checkbook with Sanjay's name on it, but thank you! You're a life-saver!

Sanjay:  You know how you can repay me? Marry me!

Kalpana: What? Isn't that kind of sudden?

Sanjay: How? I love you!

Kalpana: Well, for starters, I don't really know anything about you other than that you're a model (who I don't think has ever actually done any modeling). I'm not even sure what your last name is.

Sanjay: Well…

Kalpana: Just give me a day to think about this, ok? Goodnight!

Sanjay:  In case you're wondering, I decided not to tell her that I'm Sanjay, because I wanted her to love me for me, not my money!

Me: I think someone has watched Andaz Apna Apna one too many times…

Sanjay: So, if she says no, I'll just leave without ever telling her, and hope to God that she never picks up a newspaper with my photo in it…

Scene

End flashback…we go back to the Inspector, who's at the last page of the diary

Inspector: NO! The story conveniently ended at a perfect cliff-hanger, just as the diary ran out of pages! I'd better wake up the serial killer and ask him what happened!

Sanjay: * still unconscious*

Inspector: Wake up! I have to know what happens next! Damn, this is more suspenseful than the ending of Half-Blood Prince!

Sanjay: * wakes up * RARRRRRRR!!!!!! HULK MAD!!!!

Inspector: Uh-oh…

Sanjay: I'm so strong, I can rip up a wooden chair that I'm tied to with my bare hands!

Inspector: Oh no! He's so super-fast that I don't even have time to get my gun out!

Sanjay: DIE, Intruder! Die!!!

Inspector: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!

Door:  *knockknock*

Sanjay: Oh! I guess I should answer that

Inspector:  Well that was anti-climactic...

Scene

At the medical school "cultural show"

Sanjay: I'm positive that a reputed gangster is going to show up here!

Sunita: Hey! It's you! Remember me?

Sanjay: …….

Sunita: I'm your BFF that you met the other day! I don't have those pictures with me, though. There's no room for pockets in this outfit.

Sanjay: ………

Sunita: I'm so psyched that you came for my dance today! I'm sure you'll love it!

Announcer: In your seats, everyone. We're about to begin. But first, I'd like to take a moment to welcome our chief guest, the reputed gangster renowned Pharmacist, Ghajini!

Sanjay: There's dramatic background music! This must be the Ghajini who killed Kalpana! I'd better take his picture before I forget

Sunita: Whatever, let's just all take time to enjoy my dance now.

Song-- Latoo

Audience: Wow! This is really pretty slutty technically advanced for a Med School cultural show!

Random Med Student: So this is where our tuition money is going…

Sanjay: BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRINNNNNNG!!!! I think I'll step out into the hall and call Ghajini

Me: How did you get that number anyway?

Sanjay: I stole it from the gunda I killed earlier, duh!

Me: And…you remember that you had it?

Sanjay: Well, yeah. Apparently my short-term memory loss doesn't apply to these important events.

Ghajini: Who keeps calling me? You! My replacement gunda, go check who's calling!

Gunda # 3: * on phone * Hello?

Sanjay: * on phone * Come to the parking lot. Now.

Gunda # 3: I'm sure this call is totally legitimate, and not someone making prank phone calls. I'd better go check.

Sanjay: Surprise! It's a trap!

Gunda # 3: You called Ghajini while he was trying to happily enjoy a Med school cultural show! How dare you!

Sanjay:  Even though I just saw Ghajini a moment ago, and my camera hasn't beeped yet, I'm going to assume that you're him. NOW DIE!!!!!!

REALLY BIG FIGHT SCENE!!!!

Gunda # 3: *neck snapped*

Sanjay: In retrospect, maybe I should have made sure that was Ghajini before I killed him…

Ghajini + his Gundas: Hold it right there! *gunshots*

Sanjay: Oh no! I can't take them all on at once when they have guns!*runs*

Gunda #4: How exactly did we know to come looking for this guy in the parking lot?

Ghajini: Who was that guy?!? You have to tell me!

Gunda # 3: ….he came…to kill….you

Ghajini: What? Who would want to hurt a harmless gangster like me?

Gunda # 3: two…years…ago…*dies*

Ghajini: Two years ago what??

Gunda # 4: I think he's dead, sir.

Ghajini: Oh no! I've lost yet another peon. Oh well. Everyone, put together a list of all the people who might want to kill me, now!

Scene

Sanjay's apartment, which for some reason Sunita is visiting

Sunita: I can't wait to visit my BFF Sanjay , and give him this friendship bracelet I made for him! I'm sure it will be totally appropriate to just enter his apartment without permission.

Sunita: Oh my God! It says " REVENGE" and "KILL HIM" all over the walls! Maybe this guy IS as creepy as he looks!

Sunita: Look! Photos identifying who everyone he knows is! I'd better steal them, just in case.  Hey, what's that noise from the closet?

Inspector: *tied up*

Sunita: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Are you ok, sir!?!?

Inspector: We have to get out of here! He's a murderer!

Sanjay: Who are you two, and why are you in my apartment?

Inspector: RUN!!!!

Sanjay: I guess that means I have to chase him!

Sunita: So…I guess that means I have to chase you! Yes! That's a much better idea than running as far away as possible, or going to the police.

Inspector: Maybe he'll stop chasing me if I run into oncoming traffic!

Bus: *collide*

Inspector:  well that was rather pathetic…*dies*

Sunita: Oh no!

Sanjay: Hey! I should be chasing you, shouldn't I?

Sunita: Um…*runs*

Eventually, Sunita runs into a mall

Sunita: I have to loose him somehow! Maybe if I--- hey, look! Makeup!!

Sanjay: Where is that random girl I was chasing?

Camera: *beepbeepbeep* so that you all know that Sanjay forgot what's happening.

Sanjay: Huh? What? Why am I in a make-up store?

Sunita: Instead of just trying to walk away without drawing the murderer's attention, I think I'll try to convince him that we're friends,  again!

Sanjay: Wait…wasn't I chasing you?

Sunita: Haha, why on earth would you want to chase your BFFL? You were just taking me to buy make-up, silly!

Sanjay: Then…why are we both out of breath?

Sunita: Um...Look over there! Some random guys you can beat up!

Sanjay: Sweet! That's my favorite past time!

Scene

Ghajini: You know what this movie needs? A cool montage of my gundas killing every one of my enemies!

Gunda # 4: Hey, it worked for The Godfather, right?

Ghajini: Well, all that killing was super-fun, but I'm positive that the killer is still out there.

Gunda # 4:  How on earth will we ever figure out who it is?

Sunita: Hi, Mr. Ghajini! Just so you know, this guy with anterograde amnesia is out trying to kill you.

Sunita:  I was going to go to the police, but then I realized that I'd get in huge trouble for trying to do my research project on this guy. So, I decided my own well-being was much more important, and came to warn you, the dangerous gangster, instead!

Me: Um…you got into Med School how, exactly?

Ghajini: YES!! This is perfect! All of you, go out and find this guy, and KILL HIM!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Intermission-- I congratulate you for making it this far into the actual movie

Scene

In Ghajini's house, while Ghajini and his gundas are all waiting in their cars outside

Sanjay: Haha, I've finally come to kill Ghajini and get my revenge!

Phone:  * ringringring*

Sanjay: Oh! I'd better answer that!

Sunita: * on phone* Hi Mr. Ghajini! It just occurred to me that I could get into some huge trouble if the police find my photo with Sanjay Singhania! Can you pretty please get it for me?

Sanjay: Yes…of course. *hangs up*

Sanjay:  Chasing after this random Med student who has information on me will be much more profitable than staying here and trying to kill Ghajini.

Scene

At Sunita's residence hall

Sunita: It's a little cold in here. I think I'll go close the window

Sanjay: SURPRISE!!!!!!! Time to die!!

Sunita: AHHHHH!!!!

Sanjay:  Somehow I managed to come from Ghajini's house, find the window to your room, and climb up a pipe to get there all within my 15 minute memory range!

Sunita: Oh no! This must be time for a suspenseful game of hide and seek!

Sanjay: Watch as I slowly ascend the steps up to Sunita's room…actually, I think I'd rather take the elevator.

Sunita: Wow, it's a good thing that the power switch for the entire building is right over here!

Sanjay: Ack! I'm trapped in the elevator!  I guess this is another opportunity for me to scream like an angry psycho.

Sunita: Quick! Police!!! Come help me!!!

Med students: Cool! There's a psycho trapped in the elevator! Let's watch the police catch him!

Sanjay: So, I'm able to beat up countless gundas at one time, but I can't handle 4 police inspectors?

Scene

Back in Sunita's room

Sunita: Man! That was scary! You know what I just remembered, though? I stole Sanjay's diaries when I was in his apartment the other day. Maybe I should read them…

Flashback montage as Sunita reads the 2005 diary

Sunita's friend: It sure is a good thing he kept such a detailed account of his love life!

Sunita: Good thing I thought to steal both diaries! Hey, isn't it kind of odd that his diary is totally in Hindi, but the writing in his flat is all English?

Sunita's friend: Whatever, just read on…

Sunita: Ok. Apparently this first page just describes some sort of  dream sequence in a desert while he shows off his abs…

 Song- Guzarish

now back to flashback world...

Me:  *sigh* And here I thought the "song in a random picturesque location that makes absolutely no sense to the story" was dead…

Kalpana: So, I thought about your marriage proposal, and after wondering for several hours if it makes any sense to marry a man I hardly know, I decided I probably won't do any better!

Sanjay: Great! Well then, I have to tell you--

Kalpana: But first you should know, I swore not to get married until after I bought 3 ambassador cars for some reason.

Sanjay: Somehow, I find this a good reason to not tell you who I actually am.

Scene

Sanjay's office

Employee: Hi, boss. I'm really curious to know about your love life!

Sanjay: Well, for reasons that I don't remember any more, I decided not to tell Kalpana who I really am. Too bad, since I was planning on gifting her this sweet new flat after I told her.

Employee: Why would you buy her a new flat when you were planning on marrying her? Isn't she supposed to come live with you?

Sanjay: What? And let her in my mansion? Nah. Anyway, it's your job to find a way to give her this new flat, ok?

Employee: Seriously? I spend all these years working for you, and this is the job you give me? *sigh*

Scene

Kalpana: I've decided to sell all my gold and buy a new ambassador right away!

Sanjay: Oh! Congratulations, Kalpana!

Kalpana: Now let's go ride around Mumbai with a bunch of sweet little kids!

Sanjay: Ok!

Me:  was that really necessary?

Scene, Sanjay's office

Employee: Sir, Britain has approved of some deal. You'll have to leave the country for a meeting tomorrow.

Sanjay: Great, I see no way that this can go wrong. *phone rings*

Kalpana: * on phone * Sachin, guess what? I won a free flat from an Air Voice contest!

Sanjay: What??

Employee: Oh, I created a rigged contest so that I could give her the flat you bought.

Sanjay: So you managed to give Kalpana the flat, and cheat people out of their money to enter some contest? I think you deserve a raise!

Kalpana: Come over right now!

Sanjay: Ok, it's not like the CEO ever actually needs to be at work!

Scene

Kalpana's new flat

Kalpana: Wait! Don't come in yet! I want our first step into this apartment to be saved forever in cement!

Sanjay: Well, I'm sure that will come in handy if ever one of us dies, and we need a keepsake to remember our time together.

Me: Seriously, who actually does that??

Sanjay: Kalpana, I have to go out of town for a few days, ok?

Kalpana: What? NO! I can't live without you anymore! Why do you have to go?

Sanjay: *thinking* Don't say your dying mother…don't say your dying mother

Sanjay: My mother is dying, and I have to go sell my farmland to pay for her treatment.

Sanjay: *thinking* I'm sure that this will in no way come back to bite you…

Kalpana: You'll be back soon, though, right? I suddenly have this sense of impending doom…

Sanjay: Of course I will! You'll see, I'll come back, and we'll get married, and nothing can possibly go wrong.

Kalpana: Ok!

Scene

Back at Sanjay's office

Sanjay: To make up for skipping work to hang out with my girlfriend, I figured I should work til 1AM today

Employee: Well, we'd better pack up. You have to fly to Britain tomorrow.

Phone rings

Kalpana: *on phone* Sachin, you have to come meet me ASAP.

Sanjay: At 1AM? Really? Ok.

On the street outside Kalpana's place

Kalpana: Hi, Sachin. I have something for you. *hands Sanjay a big pile of money*

Sanjay: What?? Why are you giving me your pocket-change?

Kalpana: I sold the ambassador. I didn't do my spontaneous act of kindness for the day, so I figured paying for your mother's treatment would suffice!

Sanjay: Um…I…

Me: Oh, for God's sake, just tell her the truth already!

Sanjay: Nah, I'd rather take her money to use on British souvenirs--I could really use a toy sonic screwdriver!

Kalpana: Well, I'll see you in a few days. Actually, I'm going to Goa for an ad shoot, so you don't need to hurry back after all.

Sanjay: I'm so touched, that I think it's time for a song as we both leave…

Song-- Kaise Mujhe

End Flashback

Sunita: The diary ends there! We'd better go investigate and find out what happens next.

Sunita's Friends: So…all that worrying about him killing you, and getting in trouble with the college or the police doesn't matter anymore??

Scene

At the police station

Inspector #1 : So have we found out anything about the man who attacked the girl's hostel?

Inspector # 2: No, but he wouldn't stop screaming and trying to kill us all, so we had to drug him.

Inspector 1: Hm…it appears that he's got information tattooed to himself. Did anyone think to call that number on his body?

They call up Ghajini, who later arrives at the station with a bunch of his gundas

Inspector: Do you recognize  this man?

Ghajini: Yeah, this is Sanjay Singhania…he's…my friend! Yes, that's right. He suffers short-term memory loss, so he tattooed my phone number to his body so he won't forget!

Inspector: That sounds extremely plausible. Well, I have to go fill out paperwork or something. *leaves*

Gunda: Boss, wouldn't it have made more sense to say that he's trying to kill you so that the cops will arrest him? 

Ghajini: Of course not! Then I'd have to deal with a big investigation and stuff.

Gunda:  But…can't you just buy them off, like you usually do?

Ghajini: Hey! I pay you to beat guys up, not for your brilliant ideas. Now…I think we should go destroy Sanjay's whole apartment and erase all his tattoos.

Me: This will work, since apparently Sanjay doesn't seem to remember that he wants revenge without all those notes to remind him. 

Scene

Meanwhile, Sunita and her friends are investigating what happened to Sanjay--

At the library's newspaper archive

Sunita: Isn't it odd how the cops never thought to look at these old newspapers?

Me: Isn't it even more odd that the news covered all kind of stories about Sanjay's love life, but never about his head injury??

Sunita's friends: I found something! Look! Kalpana got famous for helping a school girl!

They track down the girl, and ask her some questions…

Girl: Oh!!! That's the woman who saved me! I'll tell you all about it…

Flashback-- Kalpana is on the train to Goa

Kalpana: *singing* Sometimes I feel sitting on trains, Every stop I get to I'm clocking that game, Everyone's a winner now we're making our fame, Bona fide hustler making my name-- *stops*Hey! There's a girl hiding under my seat!

Girl: Please! Don't let those evil men find me!

Kalpana: Don't worry! I need to do my act of kindness for today! I'm sure we'll be safe if we hide in the bathroom.

Gundas: Come on out, little girl! Do you know how much money your organs are worth!??

Kalpana: It's a good thing I didn't sell this one piece of gold--I'm sure it will be worth more to them than you. 

Gundas: Sweet! A gold necklace! That's worth so much more than organs. C'mon, guys, let's go!

Kalpana: Well, that was surprisingly easy. I guess we can come out now.

Gunda: Haha! Did you really believe it would be that easy? Now give us the girl! *the gundas grab the girl and start to pull her away*

Kalpana: Wait! Maybe if I open the next car door, it will conveniently be full of police!

She does, and it is

Me: I really wish I were making that part up!

Inspectors: Hey! Stop that! You're all under arrest!

Kalpana: Yay! I saved the day!

Scene-- back in Mumbai, where for some reason, Kalpana gets tons of recognition for this

Kalpana: *on phone* Hi, Sachin! Guess what I did while you were gone? I saved a bunch of girls from some human traffickers!

Sanjay: What?? Are you all right??

Kalpana: I'm totally fine! I'm sure nothing can possibly go wrong now. I'm going to see you tonight, right?

Sanjay: Of course! I've missed you so much! I'll see you later. *hangs up*

Phone: ringringring

Police-woman: *on phone* Kalpana, some of the girls that you helped have gone missing! I'm really not sure why I need to report this to you, but come on over to the hospital, now!

Scene-- at the hospital

Kalpana: What's going on here?? I saved 25 girls, and now there are only 23!

Other Inspector: No, you just counted wrong. There were only 23, I swear!

Kalpana: NO! You're a lying scumbag who was probably bought off by--

Ghajini: By me, of course!

Kalpana: Who are you??

Ghajini: I'm Ghajini, the gangster who's been trafficking these girls. Those missing ones? I killed them! And now I'm telling you this just so I have an excuse to kill you!

Kalpana: You're a monster! You'll never get away with this!!

Ghajini: Actually, thanks to this country's corrupt justice system, I probably will, unless of course a vengeful vigilante comes after me.

Kalpana: You won't stop me! I'm leaving, but I'm going to get justice! I swear!

Scene- back at Kalpana's apartment, where Kalpana has just arrived

Cell phone: *rings*

Policewoman: * on phone* Kalpana! Don't go home! Ghajini's men are going to try and kill you!

Kalpana: You couldn't have called me about this like, 5 minutes sooner?

Gundas: We're actually already here!

Kalpana: *frozen with fear* How will I ever get out of this???

Sudden short power outage!!

Kalpana: What a convenient way for me to find a place to hide!

Gunda #5: She couldn't have gotten far! Everyone look for her!

Sanjay: *at the door* Kalpana? Are you ready for our date? *knockknock*

Gundas: Oh no! Someone's at the door! Maybe if we all stand really still, he'll go away.

Kalpana: * hiding in a closet* Oh, thank god! I'll just call him and let him know I'm about to get killed. That's a much better idea than calling the police!

Sanjay: Oh! I left my phone in the car. Oh well, I'm sure I won't be missing any life-altering phone calls.

Me: So…basically, you could have prevented all of this if you hadn't left your phone in the car?

Sanjay: Well, I guess she's not home. How very odd.

Gunda # 5: My super-sensitive hearing tells me that he's left. Get back to work, everyone!

Gunda # 5: Hmm…maybe she's in this closet, here! I'll just walk up to it as slowly as possible so that we can make this scene more tense…

Gunda # 6: Boss! Look! I think she escaped out the back door!

Gunda # 5: OK! I guess there's no need to bother checking this closet, then!

Sanjay: *back in his car* Hey! 3 Missed calls from Kalpana! I'd better call her back!

Kalpana's phone: Ringringring!

Gunda # 5: Wait! Even though we're half-way down the stairs, my super-hearing has picked up a phone ring!

Kalpana: *on phone, probably talking really loudly* Sanjay! HELP THERE ARE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!

Sanjay: Oh my God!! Don't worry, I'm on my way!

Me: Yes, because I'm sure there's a lot you can do to save Kalpana from a bunch of armed gundas…

Sanjay: *back at the apartment* Kalpana??? Kalpana?? Where are you!

Kalpana: Sanjay!

Sanjay: Oh, Kalpana! I'm so glad you're ok!

Kalpana: Actually, I've been stabbed in the back…

Sanjay: What? NO! I'd never cheat on you! Well, unless you count the whole not-telling-you-my-real-name thing, but…

Kalpana: No…I mean, literally.

Sanjay: OH CRAP!

Ghajini: I'm not really sure how I got here, but I'm going to finish this job! *smacks Sanjay's head with pipe*

Sanjay: *on floor* NOOOO!!!

Ghajini: Hmmm…I have no idea who you are, but I think it will be good fun killing her right in front of you…

Gunda # 5: Make sure that you do some kind of really dramatic gesture, first! Like, banging that lead rod on the ground 3 times!

Gunda # 6: Yeah, it will definitely help when we need to bring things full circle.

Ghajini: *does exactly that*

Sanjay: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ghajini: Ok, no need to kill this guy, let's just injure him and give him a good excuse to want revenge…

End flashback-- Cut to Sunita and co listening to this story from the policewoman

Sunita: So…you knew all this the whole time, and didn't bother telling anyone? C'mon! I know Ghajini's probably bought off your whole police force or something, but Sanjay was a friggin billionaire! I'm sure SOMEONE from Air Voice could have paid them 10 times as much, and…

Policewoman: Must you question every detail??

Scene- Sanjay in a hospital room

Sanjay: How exactly did I get here? Maybe it's just the amnesia talking, but didn't those gundas drag me back to my apartment?

Sunita: Hi, Sanjay. I've stopped being all bright and bubbly because I have serious news…

Sanjay: ….

Sunita: Hmm…apparently, you've somehow forgotten about your whole revenge scheme and what happened to Kalpana, even though that's supposed to be the last thing you remember. I'd better remind you by showing you your old diaries..

Sanjay: What?? I…*screams, yet again*

Sunita: Don't worry! For some reason, I know where Ghajini lives, and I fully support your idea that violence should be punished with more violence.

Me: If Gandhi had a grave, he'd be rolling over in it right about now…

Scene- Ghajini hanging out somewhere with his gundas

Ghajini: It feels so good to be rid of that short-term memory loss guy..*phone rings*

Sanjay: *on phone* My name is Sanjay Singhania. You killed my fiancee. Prepare to die!

Ghajini: What?? YOU??

Sanjay: Do you remember July 2nd 2006? Well I do! It's the only thing I remember!

Sunita: Um, actually, you totally forgot and I had to remind you about a minute ago.

Sanjay: Wait for your death. I'm coming! *hangs up*

Ghajini: *to his gundas* That short-term memory loss patient is still alive! I should have just killed him when I had the chance!

Gundas: *collective eyeroll*

Ghajini: Well, at least he warned me that he's coming, instead of coming in for a surprise attack while I was asleep or something. Gundas! Be prepared for an epic 1000-man battle!

Gunda: Or…we could just, you know…hide somewhere?

Scene- Sanjay and Sunita on a scooter to Ghajini's house

Sunita: Huh?? Look! They're leaving! Why would they do that?

Sanjay: Well follow them, duh!

They follow them to what seems like an unpleasant part of town

Ghajini: All right, men. Here's the plan-- I go hide in some house somewhere in this back alleyway, and you all try to kill him. Ok?

Sunita: I don't think this is a good idea anymore! Maybe we should-- HEY! Where are you going?

Sanjay: Do you really think I still need you around?? I'm going to get my revenge, once and for all!

Gunda # 8: Hey! This area is restricted!

Sanjay: FALCON-PUNCH!!!

Gunda # 8: Holy crap! He punched me, and twisted my neck 180°!

Gunda # 9: What?!? Is that even physically possible? Prepare to die!

Epic 1000 man battle ensues!!!

Sunita: Hey! Wait for me!!

Me: Why exactly is she still following him?

1000 dead gundas later…

Gunda # 1001: Boss! He's coming! None of us were able to get even a scratch on him! Why did nobody think to bring a gun??

Ghajini: Well, it's a good thing that I'm so much stronger than all of you put together, then!

Sanjay: I've finally found you!

Ghajini: Let's have an intense staring contest before we fight

They do

Sanjay: Now prepare to die!

Another epic one-on-one fight scene!!!

Me: Sorry, there is just no way to describe these fight scenes in a way that would do them justice… here's the best I got:

Sanjay pretty much beats on Ghajini as more and more gundas appear out of nowhere. Eventually, Ghajini runs for his life, giving us yet another epic 1000 man battle, (in case that last one wasn't awesome enough for you), where none of the gundas seem to have considered using a gun rather than a pipe of some kind to kill Sanjay, and this goes on for what felt like 15 minutes…

Then we suddenly realize that 15-minutes is Sanjay's memory-limit

Sanjay: *standing in a sea of dead gundas* Without my beeping camera, I had no idea that I should have taken a picture! I have no idea what's going on!!! :-(

Sanjay: *wanders around aimlessly for a bit*

Sunita: Maybe I could have been useful and reminded Sanjay of his mission, again, but I'm apparently even too incompetent to follow him around…

Ghajini: Oh god! That crazy guy is going to find me and kill me any mo--AHH!!!

Sanjay: …who are you?

Ghajini: I'm…Prakash! Your best friend, remember? Ghajini is over there!

Sanjay: Don't worry! I'll find that saala kutta, and--

Ghajini: Just kidding!  *about to hit Sanjay with a pipe*

Sunita: SANNNNJAAAYYY!!! LOOK OUT!!!

Ghajini: *stabs Sanjay with a pipe*

Sanjay: Ack…dying…*falls to floor*

Sunita: Why you! I'll kill--


Ghajini: *hits her*


Sunita: *unconscious* 

Me: Oh…so that's why she's here

Sunita: Yeah, we couldn't do this scene without a damsel-in-distress involved.

Ghajini: Clearly, I haven't learned that basic rule of villainy-- that we should just kill the guy rather than taunt him.

Ghajini: You know what would be awesome? I'm going to do an action-replay of everything I did that day using this girl you don't know! 

Sanjay: NOOO! The power of love or revenge or something gives me strength!

Me: Again, no way to do this scene justice-- he actually pulls the friggin' pipe out of his stomach, throws it at Ghajini with perfect accuracy, and then proceeds to beat the ever-loving crap out of him, despite all the major blood loss.  Eventually, Ghajini ends up on the floor, totally helpless.

Sanjay: *holding the rod* So, you know how in some movies, the hero beats up the villain, and then decides not to kill him, because doing so would make them effectively the same? This is soooo not one of those.  *kills Ghajini*

Sanjay:  Wow…suddenly I feel a sense of closure that I'm 100% positive won't be forgotten after 15 minutes.

Scene- a children's orphanage

Sanjay: What? Did you think that last line was sarcastic?

Me: His hair has even grown back to normal length, which gives us further evidence that he's not a psycho anymore.

Children: Now his only worry is that we'll taunt him about how he can't remember our names!

Sunita: Hi, Sanjay! I’m your BFFL, remember? I got you a present!

Sanjay:  Oh, that's so kind of you! Aww, it's that foot-impression that me and Kalpana made.

Sunita: Now let's look at each other fondly as the credits start to roll…obviously we can't end this movie without giving the hero a new love interest.

Sanjay: Yeah, that won't totally ignore the fact that I think I just met you

Me:  And so, the lesson is…revenge is a good thing that, when satisfied, makes you want to hang out with little kids. Wait…

The end!