Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fanaa Abridged

If you haven't already seen this on my other blog, here is the "abridged" script of Fanaa that I wrote sometime after seeing the movie in 2007. It's the first abridged script I've actually finished for a Hindi movie! I'm quite proud of it :-)

And for any die-hard fans of this movie, Kajol or Aamir Khan, this is just purely for fun. Don't get offended by it-- I respect both Kajol and Aamir Khan very much.


Children: Glory to India! Who's ready for another patriotic Aamir Khan movie?

Zooni: Actually, I'm the patriotic one this time! Although it would help if I could see the flag...

Zooni's Dad: In life, the hardest choices are between the lesser of two evils and the greater of two goods...

Zooni's Mom: Thanks for that, Dumbledore, but what does that have to do with Zooni going to Delhi?

Zooni's Dad: Nothing, but it's the main theme of the movie!

Zooni: It's ok, I'll do whatever you want me to.

Zooni's Dad: Good, then you can stay here and let us baby you for the rest of your life!

Zooni's Mom: But Zooni has to go to Delhi and meet her prince!

Zooni's Dad: I thought she was going to go dance...

Zooni's Mom: Well, she'll dance and meet her prince

Zooni's Dad: Why can't she do that here?

Zooni's Mom: SHH! It's part of the story! Just go with it!


Zooni's Mom: Have fun in Delhi!

Zooni: Wait, so if I actually do meet a prince, what should I say?

Zooni's Mom: Simple, say that you want to be destroyed by his love!

Zooni's Dad: Hey, you never said that to me!

Zooni's Mom: Well, with you, I was nearly destroyed by your stupid football.

Dance troupe: It's fun shortening our names!

Ruby: No it's not! You're all such losers!

Dance Leader: And I'm very controlling.

Fatty: But not half as controlling as me!


Dance Leader: Well, we're finally in Delhi. Where's our tourguide?

Rehan: Up on your bus, preparing my dramatic entrance!

Rehan: I'm a tourguide, flirt, poet and terrorist all in one! Oooh, and I think I've found a beautiful girl to flirt with!

Zooni: Are you referring to me?

Rehan: You're blind? Oh, that doesn't matter, you're too gorgeous!

Zooni: I think I might have found my prince!

Fatty: Ack! Don't listen to him Zooni!

Zooni: Quit bossing me around, Fatty!

Rehan: Fatty? Is that your name, or your dog's?

Me: Sorry, but that line was cute/funny!

Rehan: Ok, beautiful girls! Get on the bus, then we can hear more of my flirting and poetry?

Zooni: Ha! I can come up with cheesy poetry too, mr. tour guide!

Rehan: Hm...looks like I've finally met my match...


Rehan: Ok, now that you've seen what a wonderful poet I am, I supposse I should also let you see my awesome tourguiding skills.

Zooni: So, girls, what does our wonderful poet/tourguide look like?

Ruby: Kinda like Mangal Pandey, but without the mustache...

Other Dancer: Nah, he looks more like Bhuvan from Lagaan...

Fatty: Actually, he looks like a 40 year old playing someone much younger...

Ruby: Yeah, but who's surprised by that anymore?

Fatty: It doesn't matter! He's weird! Stay away from him!

Rehan: Did I mention that I sing also? *sings* Chand sifarish...

Zooni: Wow, he gets more amazing by the second!

Ruby: Hm, you should be pretty glad you can't see him dance, though

Other dancers: Wow, she's right, it's almost painful!

Fatty: Why is he singing about talking to the moon when it's not even night time?


Rehan: Well, girls, I hope you enjoyed sightseeing!

Rehan: Zooni! Wait! Did I mention that blind girls get private tours?

Zooni: So, you want me to ditch all the other girls and go see Delhi with just you?

Rehan: If you say no, keep in mind it will screw the story up a bit.

Zooni: Ok, I'll do it!

*the next day*

Zooni: Hm...I'm starting to have doubts about this private tour idea. I'd better check with Mom...

Zooni's Parents: Sorry, we're not home!

Zooni: Aw, what the heck! I'll do what I want for a change!

Rehan: Good, because I've already left work early for this.

Zooni: What?!? My mommy always told me that it's wrong to skip work!

Rehan: Well, your mommy's not here, is she?

Zooni: I have a great idea. You go back to work, and I'll go back to the hotel!

Rehan: Ok, so where's the "great idea"?

Rehan: Fine, I'll go, but I won't come back tomorrow.

Zooni: Oh, yes you will. Like you said, if we don't have this tour, it'll screw up the story!


Jolly Good Singh: Hey, Zooni! Wanna laugh at my weird name?

Zooni: I can't, I'm waiting for my prince!

Rehan: Ok, Ms. "I hate guys who skip work", now are you ready?

Zooni: Ha, I knew you'd come back!

Audience:I think we did too...

Zooni: So, has it occured to you that blind girls can't really sight-see?

Rehan: Well, you can sight-feel and hear! Your tour starts with feeling, hearing and smelling your dear tour guide!


Rehan: So, here is the Gateway of Blood, where, obviously, lots of people died.

Zooni: *yawn*

Rehan: Um, let me repeat that. People died! There was blood. It was VERY VERY SCARY!

Zooni: You can't scare me!

Rehan: What if I sneak up and act like I'm about to rape you?


Rehan: And here is the famous India Gate, which is meant to honor more people who died.

Zooni: So what are the soldiers doing?

Rehan: Probably having a 21 gun salute for an airforce pilot who crashed due to faulty parts.

Zooni: Wow, I get a free private tour, and dinner! You certainly treat blind girls well.

Rehan: I only do it to satisfy my needs.

Zooni: Wants are so much cooler than needs! Like the *hint* want for love!

Rehan: Nah, only needs matter. And I need a new pretty woman every two weeks, and I'll never fall in love, ever!


Zooni: Ok, now it's time for our big important dance at the Presidential Palace!

Dance troupe: Which of course means another song!

Zooni: Even though I'm blind, I'm still able to dance better than everyone else here!

Rehan: C'mon, Jolly Good! You have to let me in!

Jolly Good: No, sorry.

Rehan: C'mon, be nice to me before I have kill you later?

Jolly Good: Ok, fine.

Zooni: Wow, our dance went really well. I wish that Rehan could have come!

Rehan: Surprise!

Fatty: Ack! You again! Quit stalking my friend!

Zooni: Fatty, quit being a control freak and let me go off with the tourguide.


Zooni: Why are we at a mosque? You're not religious!

Rehan: Of course I am. Didn't you notice how many times I said "Suban Allah" earlier?

Zooni: Wow, who ever knew that Indian cities were so crazy and crowded?

Rehan: Yup, that's the real Delhi! A deathtrap for all pedestrians!

Rehan: Hold on, I have to answer this suspicious phone call...

Zooni: Ok, I'll just cross the street myself

Rehan: Ack! Don't you know that trying to walk across a street in India is basically suicide!

Zooni: I'm sorry, my parents told me that it's cool to impress your date!

Rehan: OMG do you ever say anything that's not based on something your parents told you?!?

Zooni: I like you!



Zooni: You don't need to say anything. Let's just enjoy this pleasant rickshaw ride...

Rehan: ..........

Zooni: Well, I'll see you tomorrow!

*the next day*

Zooni: Where the heck is he?!?

Fatty: I told you he's evil and unreliable!

Zooni: He's not! I'm going to go look for him!


Rehan: Darn, I'm stuck guiding some old, already married people.

Zooni: Wanna hear some more of my poetry?

Zooni: *thinking* Good thing he doesn't know that that's what my Mom told me to say!

Rehan: So why is it ok for me to leave work for you now?

Zooni: We're in love now, so the rules changed.

Rehan: Zooni, I know you love me, but I'm a bad man!

Zooni: Oh, I don't care!

Rehan: Um...I think you might...

Zooni: it's my last day! C'mon, let's have some fun!

Rehan: Ok, fine. I'll make this last day of yours tons of fun. I swear!

Zooni: So what happened to the day? It just cut to dinner-time!

Rehan: I guess they figured that if we spend to long with romance scenes, everyone will leave before the second half, where this movie actually gets interesting

Zooni: Oh well, I don't mind romantic, candle-light dinner!

Rehan: I do when it rains! Ack! It's messing up my hair and getting my scarf wet!

Zooni: Don't go in! This wouldn't be a proper Bollywood movie without a typical romance song in the middle of the rain!

Rehan: Ok, but you *hint* owe me afterwards


Zooni: Get up! I'm going to miss my train!

Rehan: Well, I guess this is goodbye

Zooni: Don't feel bad, Rehan. You've been so wonderful these past few days!

Rehan: So, you're not upset that I didn't marry you and what not?

Zooni: No. Don't worry about it. Well, goodbye.

Zooni: *bursts into tears* Why didn't he marry me?!?!? Waaaaaaah!!!!

Rehan: You know how you said this wouldn't be a proper Bollywood movie without a song in the rain?

Zooni: Rehan?!?

Rehan: It wouldn't be a proper one without me doing something like carrying you off a train either!

Dance Leader: Huh?!? What's going on??

Fatty: Weren't you paying attention to the movie??

Ruby: The brave-hearted is getting the bride!

Rehan: Ack! How dare you compare me to SRK!


Zooni's Mom: You found your prince?!? That's wonderful!

Zooni: So can I marry him?

Zooni's Mom: I have complete faith in your decision. As long as he's not some kind of evil terrorist.

Zooni: hooray!

Rehan: Ok, but let's get your eyes checked before I blow up-- er, I mean before we get married.


Doctor: There's a very very small chance that we can fix your eyesight

Zooni: So, in Bollywood terms, that means a super duper big chance, right?

Rehan: Don't worry, Zooni, I'm sure that my income as a tourguide will be enough to pay for this.

Zooni: Ok, will you go pick my parents up from the train station?

Rehan: Sure, but I have some important work to do first.

Presidential Palace: *kaboom*

Zooni: Mom! Dad! I can see!!!!!!!!!! Hey, where's Rehan?

Doctor: Well, after the explosion, we found this dorky looking scarf next to this body...

Zooni: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Anti terror guy: What's with the sudden change to the extremely Mission Impossible-esque music?

Psychologist: There's a dangerous, super secret terrorist on the loose. Nobody knows who he is. He could be the guy sitting next to you on a train, or even that weird scarf- wearing tourguide...

Rehan: I bet you've never seen a plot twist like this!

Dil Se fans: Hm....seems somewhat familiar

Rehan: Sorry, Zooni, but we terrorists have no room for love...I guess I'll never see you again...

Intermission- time to go eat popcorn and samosas!

Anti-terrorist guy: It's been 7 years and we still don't know anything about the guy who blew up the presidential palace!

Psychologist: Actually, I know that he's managed to get every part of some dangerous missile. So, we'd better at least protect the remote...

Anti-terror guy: Ok, whatever, let's just get back to the romance story everyone came to see...

Rehan: Who needs girls and cheesy poetry when I can play snow-soccer with India's best soldiers?

Audience: How the hell did he get there anyway?!?

Rehan: Who cares? Do you want this movie to be even longer?

Army Officer: Ranjeev, I trust you with this very important trigger. Don't let that evil terrorist get it!

Anti-Terror guy: Ranjeev hasn't called his wife? I'll bet he has a good reason.

Psychologist: OMG It's the terrorist! After him!

Anti-terror guy: How'd you figure that out? Loads of guys never call their wives.

Mrs. Anti-terror: You're telling me...

Psychologist: Trust me, us psychologists can predict the future and read minds...


Rehan: If you didn't like poetic tourguide Rehan, I'm sure you'll love Mission Impossible Rehan!

Helicopter: *kaboom*

Indian Soldiers: It's the terrorist! Attack him!

Rehan: Ack! How did those soldiers get here so fast? Good thing I have super-good aim...

Soldiers: Sneak attack in the snow time!

Rehan: ...and awesome cat-like agility

Soldier: Die, terrorist! *stab*


Soldier: Hm...that was quite easy.

Rehan: Oh yeah? *stabs back*

Rehan: Ack...dying...must go seek help from little cabin in the middle of nowhere...

Zooni: I hope this isn't one of those annoying salesmen...

Rehan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!! How the heck did I end up here?!?

Audience: What, did you not expect that?

Zooni: Rehan!!!!!!


Me: that smiley does look a lot like him at that moment, doesn't it?

Rehan: Could this moment get any worse?

Rehan Jr: Cool, a dying soldier!

Rehan: *faints*


Zooni's Dad: Well, I've bandaged him up. Too bad there's a terrible storm that won't let him leave for a while...

Rehan Jr.: Cute kids talk in 3rd person! Rehan wants to feel the dead man's chest!

Zooni: Silly kid, his heart beat is here-- whoa...this guy feels familiar...


Anti Terror guy: Man, that terrorist has some pretty good aim! He killed like, 20 soldiers and blew up a helicopter with his dinky pistol...

Psychologist: We can't stop searching for him until we know that he's dead!


Zooni: No, sharing a bed with my 7 year old is not being overprotective!

Rehan: Yes it is! NOW DIE!!!!!!!!

Rehan: Just kidding! It was only a nightmare!

Rehan: Ok....I don't want to have to kill Zooni and my son...I'd better make a daring escape! Or not... *faints, yet again*


Rehan Jr. : Look! The dead man woke up!

Rehan: Why do you keep staring at me?

Rehan Jr: You know what? Rehan's father is some cricket player!

Rehan: OMG Zooni cheated on me?!?

Rehan Jr. : ...because Rehan's real father is dead, so Mommy said that Rehan can pick any man who's good looking and dependable...

Zooni's Dad: Hey, Mr. Soldier, all the communication lines are dead, and there's a terrible snow storm going on. But who cares, be our guest!

Rehan: This is probably the most awkward moment of my life...

Zooni: Rehan!


Me: again-- doesn't that smiley perfectly capture Rehan's expression???

Zooni: Quit spraying Tag on the soldier!

Rehan Jr. : Sorry! Dead man needs a shower!

Rehan: Nah, they only give shower scenes to hot guys...or 40 year olds with Six-packs

Zooni: So, soldier, what's your name?

Rehan: My's...

Zooni's Dad: Captain Ranjeev. Did you forget?

Zooni: Well, Ranjeev, I hope you enjoy staying with us. Excuse me while I go chase my son...

Rehan:'ve got a pretty nice house, considering it's in the middle of nowhere.

Zooni's Dad: Yes, my wife loved this place. But she's gone, and so is the guy Zooni was suppossed to marry...


Rehan: Of all the houses in all the towns in all the world, I walked into hers...

Rehan Jr.: Rehan doesn't want to be patriotic! Rehan wants to hear stories!

Zooni: Sorry, people like me don't believe in stories, kid.

Rehan Jr.: Hey, dead-man, do you know the national anthem?

Rehan: No! Leave me alone and learn to talk properly!

Zooni: How can Aamir Khan, the king of patriotic movies, not know the national anthem?

Rehan: Leave me alone! I'm not here to raise our son! I mean my son. I mean your son!

Zooni: This is the thanks I get for letting you stay in my house?!? C'mon, Rehan, let's leave Ranjeev to wallow in his misery...


Rehan: Dinner? Sorry, I can't eat while I'm brooding...

Zooni's Dad: Ooh, a fight! Give me the dirt, kid!

Rehan Jr.: Dead man made mommy cry.

Zooni: Do you want to get grounded?

Rehan: All the brooding is making me sleepy. Goodnight.

Rehan Jr. : Wait, we need another cute scene together!

Rehan: Turmeric milk? Haven't you guys ever heard of Nesquik?

Rehan Jr.: Well, don't throw it out, Mommy will notice, and she's angry enough at you.


Rehan: Stupid cheap radio thing. How much longer will I be trapped here?

Zooni: I'm still mad at you. Now let me fix this hole in peace!

Rehan: What, you didn't call me? I can't swing a hammer?


Rehan: Ok, I'm sorry I yelled. I'm not the flirty, poetry spouting tourguide I used to be...but now I'm a much better carpenter...

Zooni: Sorry, but Rehan has no father. He unfortunately died in a tragic bomb blast...

Rehan: Well, he's a good kid. I'm sure his father was quite a wonderful, talented and handsome man.

Zooni: Well, if you want to get on my good side, you have to either tell me some poetry or tell my son stories.

Rehan: Poetry is so 7 years ago! I'll do the story telling...


Rehan: So then this one time, I met this hot british girl who wanted to make a movie about freedom fighters...

Rehan Jr.: See, Rehan told you the dead-man was cool!

Rehan: Yeah, but she wasn't near as hot as the british girl who helped me out with that cricket game, but I loved her more anyway, and...


Rehan: Hey, let me help give the kid a bath! Oooh, bubbles!

Zooni: Good, if he starts splashing, just use one of your army combat moves on him...


Zooni: Well, I was wrong about you, Ranjeev. You're not so bad afterall.

Rehan: Thanks. Say, would you be offended if I said, "please take my shirt off?"

Zooni: So, what's up with the whole, "let me brood all day" attitude?

Rehan: Well, I lost my parents when I was young, and I was raised by my grandfather who made me do stupid missions and didn't let me fall in love...


Rehan: This place isn't so bad, now that I've connected with my son. I'm suddenly so happy! In fact, I feel a song coming on!

Rehan Jr.: Rehan senior sung stuff about the moon and love and what not. Rehan Jr. sings silly tongue twisters!

Rehan: Marching in the snow and ignoring the current high angst level is fun!

Zooni's Dad: Why do I feel like I've heard my son sing this before?

Zooni: Yaara Yaara- Um... I mean Chanda Chanda Chumke...


Zooni's Dad: Woooo! I'm drunk out of my mind!

Rehan: Hehe, drunk old men are funny...

Zooni: Ok, Dad, why don't you go to bed?

Zooni's Dad: Why? I'd rather stay up and sing old songs with Ranjeev!

Rehan: Sounds like fun to me...

Zooni: No! C'mon, Dad, bedtime!

Rehan: Ok, fine, I guess I'll just sing by myself...

Rehan: *singing* Ay....kya bolti tum?

I think I like it better when he's dubbed...

Zooni: I'll sing with you! *sings* Ay...kya main boloon?

Rehan: *sings* Ab to mera dil jaage na sota hai! Kya karoon haye kuch kuch hota hai!

Zooni: *sings* Dil chatha hai...kabhi na beete chamkile din

Rehan: *sings* Tujhe dekha to yeh janaa sanam / Pyar hota hai deewana sanam /Ab yahaan se kahaan jaaye hum / teri bahoon mein mar jaaye hum!

Zooni: Oooh, I love that song! Let's dance!

Zooni: Whoa...I'm getting weird deja vu...

Rehan: Are you ok?

Zooni: Ack! You're so much like Rehan that it's freaking me out!!!!!! Seriously, I can't be any more freaked out right now!

Rehan: Not even if I sneak up on you and act like I'm about to rape you?

Zooni: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! How do you know about that, freak!?!?

Rehan: Duh, it's me, the poetic tourguide that you fell in love with!

Zooni: It's not possible!

Rehan: Not probable!

Me: sorry, I just had to slip that in there...

Zooni: It can't be!

Rehan: Well, it is, Zooni!

Zooni's Dad: What?? So you're the guy my daughter has mourned over for 7 years?

Rehan: How'd you go from out of control drunk to totally sober in 5 minutes???

Zooni's Dad: That's not important right now! Please explain to me why you faked your death and made my daughter miserable.

Rehan: Ok, fine! My real name is Rehan, and I was on an important mission that I couldn't ignore, so I had to leave, ok?!?

Zooni: Well, that still doesn't explain why you told us your name was Ranjeev Singh, or why you faked your death, or...

Rehan: How about I tell you that when your dad explains how he got sober so quick?

Zooni's Dad: Well, I'm not a control freak anymore, so Zooni, you figure this out on your own.


Rehan: Well, I'm sorry-

Zooni: All this time, I've drawn pictures of you, trying to find out what you look like! And you look nothing like Ajay Devgan!

Rehan: Look, Zooni, I'm sorry I've made you miserable for 7 years, ok?

Zooni: I'm too mad right now! Just go to bed and leave me alone...


Rehan: Well, I guess there's nothing left for me here anymore...

Rehan Jr.: Don't leave! How can you not want to stay with adorable Rehan?!?

Rehan: Sorry kid, but you're mother hates my guts...

Rehan Jr. : Rehan loves you more than you love Rehan!

Rehan: Aww...give me a hug!

Zooni: Hey, where's the evil soldier who has made me miserable?

Rehan Jr. : He left without saying goodbye to you. So, Rehan loves Rehan more than Rehan loves you!

Zooni: Wow...I really got to teach this kid to talk properly. Wait he left?!?


Zooni: Rehan! Quit walking so fast!

Rehan: Time for the romantic, "run to the man you love and hug him scene"!

Zooni: *slap*

Rehan: I'm not sure I deserved that

Captain Jack Sparrow: Ok, now that's going a bit too far...

Me: sorry, I couldn't help it!

Zooni: You left me for seven years, and now you're leaving again?!? What's wrong with you???

Rehan: I hear music...I think it's time for a song...

Zooni: Yeah, and it should be one of those ones where we somehow end up in a pretty forest full of falling autumn leaves...

Rehan: ...and a nice, snowy scene with a beautiful full moon...


Anti-Terror people: Hey, remember us? We're still hunting for Rehan!

Psychologist: Yeah, and we've still made no progress. It's time to alert the media...

Anti-terror people: Yeah, I'm sure that the genius terrorist who's smart enough to avoid every anti-terror organization on the planet will be dumb enough to leave the trigger lying around!


Rehan: Well, it seems like everything has worked out...I think I still need to finish my mission, though.

Audience: Wouldn't it just be easier to get rid of the trigger, pretend your dead so that Grandpa doesn't need you, and just live a happy life with Zooni?

Rehan: Um, hello??? The movie is called "fanaa." That means "destruction." Therefore, I have to be destroyed! This is the only logical way for that to happen!

Audience: Actually, you could fake your death for Grandpa, then he could find you, and some event could take place where both him and you get destroyed while you protect Zooni and mini-Rehan.

Rehan: But then where's the patriotic, "you're country is more important than your love" message in that???

TV: Attention! Be on the lookout for a suspicious guy dressed in an army uniform, carrying this electronic device!

Zooni's Dad: This is boring...let's see what's on the home shopping network...

Rehan: Wow, I guess he doesn't think that lying about my name was suspicious...

Door: *knockknock*

Rehan: Uh-oh, dramatic music! It's probably the cops!

Colonel: Hey, buddy! I have some very important information...


Colonel: I need rum, now.

Me: insert a 'why is the rum gone' line...

Zooni's Dad: Getting drunk is always more fun with friends!

Colonel: So, Rehan, you can come to my place and radio your army unit.

Rehan: Ok, good, then I can finally put a million peoples lives at stake so that I can be happy with Zooni...


Zooni: Guess, what? I'm no longer to depressed to tell stories!

Rehan Jr.: Hooray!

Zooni's Dad: Rehan? C'mon, we gotta go radio your- hey, this electronic thing in your jacket looks familiar...

Rehan: Ah, what a perfect day! I'll give this trigger to my grandpa, free Kashmir, and get to live a perfect life with my wife and son, and have a nice home and a little dog named Tommy...

Zooni's Dad: 'bout those terrorists? They're pretty evil, don't you think?

Rehan: Nah, they're just trying to free Kashmir. Give them a break.

Zooni's Dad: Ha! I knew it! Prepare to die! *pulls out gun*

Rehan: Do you really think that I'll have trouble stealing a gun from an old man like you?

Zooni's Dad: Now that I think about it, maybe I should have tried to radio the anti-terror people instead of trying to kill the dangerous terrorist myself...

Rehan: Give me my trigger back, or I'll- oops...We probably shouldn't have fought right near this cliff...


Rehan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Zooni: C'mon, let's go for a pleasant walk by this river.

Zooni's dad: If I fell off of a cliff, how exactly did I end up in this river?

Zooni: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Rehan: Hello, Zooni, I've returned from an uneventful trip to Colonel's house.

Zooni: Where's my dad?!?

Rehan: Um...he's sleeping over at Colonel's. Perhaps he got drunk and fell off of that cliff right next to his house.

Zooni: But-

Rehan: Sorry, I have to go brood, yet again. I'll be in the shower.

Zooni: I thought they only gave shower scenes to hot guys?

Rehan: They can make an exception when the non-hot ones need to get out of the way...

Zooni: Hey, this remote in your jacket pocket looks interesting.

Audience: The smartest terrorist ever isn't even smart enough to hide the trigger after already being caught with it once???

TV: Be on the look out for a mysterious trigger, and a man who looks like this sketch.

Audience: Sketch?? Where the heck did they get that from, nobody's seen him who isn't dead!!!

Kunal Kohli: Must you guys question every detail???

Zooni: Rehan, don't freak out, but I want you to pack your bags and get in the car without saying anything to your dad. NOW!


Rehan: That was a refreshing shower! Hey, where did everyone go??? OMG! I bet that Zooni figured out everything and ran away!

Audience: So, what? Are you going to run through the deep snow after her?

Rehan: I guess I have to, don't I?


Zooni: Don't worry, son! We'll be safe in Colonel's house. Oh, wait, he's already dead...I'd better steal his gun.

Rehan Jr.:
Where are we, Mom?

Zooni: Don't worry about it, Rehan! I have to go radio someone for help!

Zooni: SOS! SOS! I just found out my husband is an evil terrorist who wants to blow up India or something!

Anti-terror people: OMG! It's a good thing you contacted us! Now listen, whatever happens, don't let him escape! The love of your country is a zillion times more important than love for your hubby, ok?

Zooni: But-

Anti-terror people: India is counting on you!

Rehan: Wow, it was really smart of you to go hide in the most obvious place like this.Now unlock this door!

Zooni: NO!

Rehan: C'mon, open it! I just want to talk!

Zooni: Well, ok!

Rehan: Listen, Zooni, I know you're not too impressed with my line of work, but Grandpa won't actually kill anyone! He's just gonna use it as a threat, then free Kashmir, then we can all be happy!

Zooni: But this is totally wrong! You can't threaten to kill people for freedom!

Rehan: Why not? Me and my buddies killed a minister once, we got the idea from some Indian freedom fighters!

Zooni: But you can't kill innocent people!

Rehan Jr. : What are you guys talking about???

Rehan: Shut up and go back to sleep kid! Mommy and Daddy are talking!

Zooni: Look, I know it's usually good of spouses to support each other's careers, but this is where I draw the line!

Rehan: Zooni, it's too late for me to do anything now. Just give me the trigger, I'll give it to grandpa, and we will be able to live a happy life in free Kashmir!

Zooni: But what about the rest of India?

Rehan: Um...what about them?

Zooni: You can't threaten to kill hundreds of innocent people just for your own happiness!

Rehan: Zooni, we can argue politics forever, but HEY LOOK OVER THERE!!!

Zooni: Huh??? *turns around*

Rehan: Hahahaha, fooled you! The trigger is mine now! And look, just in time for Grandpa's helicopter. Now I can slowly trek through this deep snow to attempt to give it to him

Zooni: Don't!! I'll shoot!

Rehan: Shoot? Hahaha, you wouldn't have the guts!

Zooni: *shoots*

Rehan: ack! That wasn't reverse psychology! *turns to shoot her*

Rehan: No...I can't do it. I love you too much. But I'm still going to blow up India, though.

Zooni: Then I have no other choice... *shoots again*

Rehan: *dying* Rehan loves you more than you love Rehan :-(

Zooni: Don't you start with the thrid-person stuff too, now....

Rehan: *dies*

Anti-terror guys: Hey look! We conviently got here just in time to shoot down Grandpa's plane!


Zooni: Well...Rehan is dead. I guess this is the end.

Rehan Jr. :Don't you need to sum up the overall message of the movie?

Zooni: Um...when making a good Yash Raj film, it's totally ok for things to not make sense

Rehan jr. : ???

I most difficult choices are between the lesser of two evils and the greater of two goods.

Rehan Jr. : really were kind of choosing between an evil terrorist and the good of your country, so how does that really apply?

Zooni: Like I said, it's a Yash Raj film, it doesn't need to make sense

The End


Hi, everybody!

Welcome to Bollywood: Abridged, my blog where I write little spoofy scripts of Bollywood films. I mostly do this because I watch Bollywood movies all the time, but since I'm a pretty sarcastic person, I tend to have a lot of questions and sarcastic comments about some by the end! I figured it would be pretty awesome to gather those all together in script form to entertain other Bollywood lovers. :-)

I'm not really the first person to do this. I was really inspired by a site that's unfortunately not up anymore called, that did this for popular Hollywood movies. I got the name "just another frog" since I was doing kind of the same thing, at first. Eventually I figured that nobody does this for Bollywood movies (at least not that I know of), so here we are.

I will update and add scripts as often as I can, just keep in mind that this takes time, and I do have a life outside of writing these (unfortunately).

I'm always open to suggestions for movies to abridge. If there's anything in particular you'd like to see me make a script of, just let me know.

Most importantly, please please please keep in mind that these are all done purely for fun. I don't write these to criticize the films, although some of my sarcastic comments may make it seem that way. I consider this more of a "I kid because I love," or an affectionate parody site. Think about it this way-- if I really hated the film I'm writing about, why would I bother to pay and watch it more than once so that I can write a script of it? So if you're a die-hard fan of any movie that I've made a script on, please try and have a sense of humor about it and recognize that I'm NOT bashing your favorite movie, I'm just poking a bit of fun at it for...well, for fun.

I think that covers everything...please check out the scripts I've posted, and leave your comments on them. If you like them, please add us to your list of viewed blogs! Enjoy!